Letting Go of What We Are Not

"The instant a fish accepts that they will never have arms,

they grow fins." - The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo

There are instances in our lives when we try hard to be the person we think we are supposed to BE.

Perhaps we are trying to BE something for someone else. To have others accept us. To have others love us. We anticipate that the acceptance or love will come in a particular form. So we imagine that one day others will accept us or love us in the way we envision them doing so. We strive with extraordinary effort to get others to reciprocate to us that which we have given to them.

When we put all this energy out and get nothing in return, we are surprised. We get angry. We take it personal. We demand reciprocity.

What I have come to realize is that we have no right to put all our energy out there in an effort to obtain someones acceptance and love and get upset when we get nothing in return. We cannot get angry or judgmental as to why there was no love in return. We must just accept what is.

For me, the drive to obtain someones love is part of the "lie" that I have been living for years that somehow I am not good enough. Why else would a person continually strive for someone's affection for years without ever getting even a glimmer of affection in return?

At what point do we decide to surrender to the notion that things are the way they are?
How do we come to accept what is?

When we accept that which is, we can let go of the fantasy of what is "supposed" to BE.

"Discernment is a process of letting go of what we are not." - Father Thomas Keating

In one of my current relationships, I have spent an extraordinary amount of energy to show love and support, for which I have received very little in return. I was not expecting some sort of monetary compensation rather I was looking for some emotional connection: a phone call, a kind word, acknowledgement when times were tough for me. Heck, some quasi-semblance of a relationship!

After years of giving, I finally came to the awareness that I had expended all of my effort for this person and received nothing emotionally in return. It took a wise woman who coached me and offered that I set boundaries in this relationship.  So I did. It was then that I came to the realization that my relationship was no where near what I thought it should BE and that I should stop creating the fantasy that if I continue to try, that one day it will BE.

My boundaries were set. I stopped showing up unless asked. I stopped being available at every moment for the sheer possibility that I might be needed.

And then I saw the light.

I realized that the abundance of energy I had put into this relationship was now available for me and for others who were truly present with me. Suddenly I had more space in my life for greatness. I had more time to bring compassion to those who were ready to accept it from me!

Discernment set in.

I accepted myself for who I was and who I was not.
I accepted my relationship for what it was and what it was not.

"And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in full knowledge and all discernment."  - Philippians 1:9

In that moment, I realized that like the fish, I had no legs and I grew fins.

I could not be the person that was loved and accepted in that relationship no more than the fish could grow legs and walk underwater.

I could not be all things for everyone.

All I could BE was me.
All I could do was accept and love myself and those around me, even if they didn't reciprocate that same acceptance and love back to me.

All I can BE is a bright, blooming flower amidst a dark, dreary world, evoking peace.
I cannot judge people for failing to live up to a societal expectation of what is.
All I can do is accept them.
All I can do is love them.
Love who I am.
Love to BE.

Life is short, so get messy!