FEAR

In the United States, death is an occurrence that is rarely discussed yet it happens everyday.  

Take these statistics into consideration: 

The world death rate is approximately 172,800 deaths per day. That is 2 deaths per second, 120 deaths per minute, and 7200 deaths per hour. In the United States there are approximately 6000 deaths every day, 1500 of which are the result of cancer.

So why is death a subject most Americans don't like to talk about?  

After my mother's diagnosis of Colon Cancer, I have witnessed FEAR as the essential cause of a variety of emotional responses to death. Whilst we pray for a miracle, the odds to beat Stage IV cancer are slim.  My response to this grave possibility is to spend as much time with her, reflecting on life.  I am proud to say that these past few weeks have been eye-opening, as everyday that I am with my mother, I learn something new about her and about myself.  

As it relates to FEAR in these life and death situations, emotional responses expose dormant traumas of our past for which our FEAR is based upon. Our personal stories (the stories we tell ourselves) drive our FEAR and set the tone for our emotional responses to that FEAR. Then, our actions coincide with those emotional responses.  Unfortunately, these actions land on other people in our relationships like giant boulders (crash!) impacting everyone around you. Now you have chaos. 

So how do you hold the emotions back before the dam breaks? Simply put, my answer is to identify your FEAR, understand your emotional response to it, acknowledge the naked reality of it and then, try another way.  

Name that FEAR

Fill in your FEAR here _____________________________

Emotional Responses to FEAR

Choose 1 of 3 Emotional Responses to FEAR that usually come up for you.
(How do you respond when you are in a stressful situation?)
____________________________________

FIGHT - You get flipping tables mad!
Associated Actions: punch, yell, scream, argue, defend, and strike

FLIGHT - "I'm outta here!"

Associated Actions: run, flee, escape, avoid, deflect, and avert

FREEZE - "I'm a myatonic goat...baahhh!"

Associated Actions:  numb, harden, and stiffen

Getting to the Truth

While reading Baron Baptiste's new book "Being of Power: The 9 Practices to Ignite an Empowered Life", chapter 7 (Embracing Naked Reality) discusses how we should not get too consumed by the stories we make up about FEAR, rather we should practice "seeing the difference between what actually is and the garbage we add to it". By getting clear on the facts of a situation and not jumping ahead to what could happen, we deviate from the stories we routinely create. 

For example:

FACT: My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

MY STORY: My dad died suddenly when I was 13. This event was traumatic, life changing and extremely painful, therefore, my mothers death will be traumatic, life changing and extremely painful. 

NAKED REALITY: My mom's illness is a new experience. While she is likely to experience some of the affects of chemotherapy, it will impact her in a unique way. While she is likely to die from this illness, the time I have with her left here on the earth is special to me and I choose to spend it getting to know her in a way that works for both of us. 

Old Habits Don't Die Hard

What I have come to realize is that while one may have made some significant progress in their response to FEAR, old habits live dormant within us and trauma awakens the beast. Take for example addressing family members in regards to my mothers care. Over the past few weeks I saw myself reverting back to my old habit of FLIGHT (avoidance) when addressing actions I was feeling.  This has been an issue for me for years. I often don’t address emotions right away because I don’t want to FIGHT so I inevitably avoid to the point where my point of view gets lost in the moment. NAKED REALITY - I have made a commitment to my mother and myself to be authentic by being who I am and providing information for the best care for my mother, even if others take it personal. It is who I am and I am coming from a place of LOVE. For years, I buried myself in so many emotions by way of FLIGHT (avoidance) that I am now committed to putting in the work and excavate my way back to my authentic self.

 Examples of my past FLIGHT (avoidance): 

1. When I was an adolescent, I ran away (a few times) avoiding my home life. (Granted running away was sometimes down the block, but you get the point.)
2. When I was 13, my dad died and I went shopping at the mall to avoid having to deal with being present at my fathers wake. (Who does that?)
3. When I was 18 and pregnant, my grandmother gave me an ultimatum.  So I left. (No regrets of who I have become but it meant years without my family.)

These old habits just don't go away. You have to work at them the moment they resurface. This is evident for me when operating in this new trauma.  Being of power is about facing FEAR with PATIENCE and making a shift to LOVE.

Love, Love, Love

"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the FEAR (of punishment) and the other by acts of LOVE.  Power based on LOVE is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from FEAR (of punishment)." - Mahatma Gandhi

Try this Recipe to Replace FEAR with LOVE

1. IDENTIFY your FEAR.
2. NOTICE your response to FEAR and the mechanism you use (i.e. fight, flight or freeze).
3. GET the facts straight surrounding your FEARful situation.
4. TELL the story that is the root of your FEAR response. 
5. REPLACE your story with the intention of LOVE - cause LOVE is all you need!

Life is short, so get messy!