The Truth About Love

My husband and I

This weekend I learned that forgiveness is one of the key ingredients of a successful relationship.  

Forgiveness provides relief from the emotional baggage of the event(s) that inevitably keeps relationships stagnant and filled with resentment. Since returning from my training with Baron Baptiste, I have been in inquiry regarding the notion of forgiveness and how it allows for the possibility of a renewed vitality. What I have come to realize is that forgiveness must go hand and hand with new habit patterns. Even Baron Baptiste struggled with habitual patterns that blocked his vitality.  In an article with Origin, Baptiste tells of his struggle in his early 20s: with being a new yoga teacher, a new dad, and a new husband. He noted that no matter how much he practiced yoga – through asanas, meditations, prayer, and healthy eating - something was still missing.  It was through his forgiveness and through the forgiveness of others that he was able to clear the space and form new habit patterns.  

My gift to my husband

For me, after years of being resentful and holding onto mistakes my husband made, I finally came to a place where I truly forgave him, despite the fact that he has always forgiven me and accepted me for who I am. While I have forgiven him, the problem was, I continued to respond to him with habitual patterns that do not reflect forgiveness, rather exemplifies a hurtful past.  If I was to really commit to forgiveness, I must be impactful, create a celebration to mark a new beginning and create new behaviors that reflect true forgiveness. 

So, this weekend I created a memorable night of celebration to begin this rebirth.

Crawfish Boil from Bayou, Staten Island, NY

Months ago, I had placed a new wedding band on lay-away at Nick's Fine Jewelry on Avenue U in Brooklyn for my husband.  I finally picked it up.  I had it engraved with our names and the day we officially started dating, as a symbol of our renewed commitment. Besides, this April marks 23 years we have been together, so presenting it to my husband on a special night for him would make it more special.  Since my husband was craving crawfish for months, I took him to an excellent canjun restaurant in Staten Island, NY called Bayou, where the atmosphere, food, drinks and service was wonderful.  Luckily, crawfish is in season and he ordered a “crawfish boil” that was outrageous. After ordering our drinks, I presented the ring to my surprised husband. After our great dinner, we went to see P!nk, his favorite female artist, who performed live at the Izod Center in New Jersey.  We had an amazing time at the show! I was able to express to him that my commitment to keep moving forward in this relationship is similar to P!nk's mantra of forgiveness on her new album.

P!nk & Corey Hart at MTV VMAs 2012   

Ironically, P!nk and her husband, Corey Hart, have a similar story to ours. Over the past few years, the couple has gone back and forth trying to just accept each other, struggling with it for so long that at one point there were reports that they had officially split up. Whether they had truly split is irrelevant. Inevitably, they found a way to come to terms with some of the unfortunate events in their relationship, to forgive and move on. The result was their beautiful daughter, Willow Sage Hart, and P!nk's successful new album, "The Truth About Love". 

One song in particular expresses a poignant message that resonates with the concept of forgiveness and change of habitual patterns. "Just Give Me aReason" is a conversation between two people: one who is open to forgiveness and sees the relationship as "bent" and the other who is still listening to the voices in their head telling them that the relationship is "broken".  This song speaks to forgiveness, learning to love again, and positive messaging in the relationship, rather than living in the past.  

P!nk soaring over crowd at the Izod     

For years, I listened to the voices in my head telling me that my marriage was so far gone and that people can't change. I self-sabotaged my relationship and believed my husband couldn't change. I started to become this person I couldn't recognize, all the while, oblivious to the fact that he was coming into his greatness. While I was in a place of doubt in our relationship, my husband was always looking from a place of hope. I now know that without his perseverance and belief in us, we would not be here.

The truth about love is that it is not perfect. It takes work and commitment by both people.  If both people acknowledge the past, forgive and commit to changing behaviors, all the bends in the relationship can be straightened out over time. 

Life is short, so get messy!

My Awe-Full Week in Hawaii

Two weeks ago, I began a new chapter in my life.

Let me rephrase that. Two weeks ago, 127 people began new chapters in their lives.  "How?" you ask. It started with a one week commitment to attend the Baron Baptiste, Level 1 Yoga Teacher Training in Hawaii. This journey was filled with waves of emotions, big and small, that would crash onto our yoga mats, knocking us into self inquiry, forcing us to dive deep within ourselves in order to awaken us from our numbed lives. For me and so many who attended this training, this trip was transformational.

5 Boro Power Yoga, Staten Island, NY

My personal commitment to attend this training was the result of a manifestation from Baptiste's "40 Days to a Personal Revolution" program which I had begun months earlier in October 2012 at 5 Boro Power Yoga in Staten Island, NY, a studio committed to Baptiste's Power Yoga.  At the time, my commitment to yoga had become very personal and my participation in the 40 day program resulted in several manifestations which I was determined to transform into action. My manifestations were commitments to my family, my career, my community and to my yoga practice. As a result, my work with Baptiste's three source principles: physicalness, possibility and empowerment, allowed for a unique opportunity to explore, grow, and create new friendships that I will be forever grateful for.

Kyle, Ella, and me at Hilo Bay Hostel

From the moment I arrived on the Big Island that rainy Thursday night, I sensed a peaceful connection with the land. Before starting the Level 1 Training, I stayed with other yogis at the Hilo Bay Hostel, which was a simple and friendly place to rest, allowing for some time to explore the town of Hilo. After a late check in, I woke up extremely early, still operating on New York time. First, I headed over to the Hilo Sharks Coffee Shop, where they serve locally farmed Kona coffee and make delicious breakfast sandwiches with a homemade macadamia nut (mac-nut) pesto spread. Locals, like Sean from the Hawaii Tropical Botanical Garden, commune here for their morning coffee. They offered their friendly tips to learn more about the island. After admiring the artwork on the arm of the barista, he recommended Kristin at South Seas Tattoo if I decided to memorialize my trip. By noon we were all craving some yoga, so we headed to a community yoga class at Yoga Centered where the price was good ($7) and staff was welcoming to our small entourage.  We stopped by the Hilo Farmers Market, where I purchased strawberry-papaya, apple-bananas and rambutans.

Strawberry-papaya, apple-bananas and rambutan

Later that afternoon, while some of the yogis ventured out, I stayed behind to catch up on my writing but was inevitably invited to Waianuenue Falls aka Rainbow Falls by a local Hawaiian native named Schantall. Schantall schooled me on Hawaiian folklore, sang native songs and even pulled off the side of the road to obtain an 'awapuhi mele mele' flower for me, known for it's beautiful fragrance and edibility. Schantall talked to me about her own yoga practice and her efforts to preserve the Hawaiian culture.  She was deeply present and truly authentic. In retrospect, I was foreshadowing my own failure of presence with people and realized people likely perceived me as inauthentic. Anticipating the start of the Level 1 Program, I finished my exploration enjoying a cup of kava at Bay Front Kava, complete with ritual hand claps and strolled down the block to Puka Puka Kitchen for some dinner.

The following morning, we took a local bus for $1 from Hilo to the Kalani Oceanside Retreat where the website rang true: "Find yourself here". The bus driver promoted a communal environment, verbally encouraging everyone on the bus, including the locals, to talk with one another. Along the way, we met a young, hipster family: Alec, Ariana and their baby, Rabbit. They gave their son a Rainbow Family name as his true name and offered it as a good conversation piece. Upon arrival at the retreat, the staff informed us about "The Point" and encouraged us to get up for at least one early morning sunrise, which by mid-week, became a pre-breakfast component of our pilgrimage.

The Point at Kalani Resort, The Big Island

With Baron's leadership, I became present from day one. That presence allowed me to observe and inquire about my perceptions of myself, specifically the lie I had been telling myself that I was "alone" and "not good enough". This was baggage I had carried my entire life and inevitably brought with me on this trip. I immediately recognized that I had to allow myself to interact with people rather than retreat in my self doubt, which had been the foundation of my inauthenticity for so long.

In my morning meditations, I wept, as thoughts of my son and my failure to truly commit to my manifestation for him came up. Through meditation, I learned to sit with these thoughts, similarly to the way I would hold an uncomfortable yoga pose.  Throughout the week, I excavated all that was holding me back whether I was on the mat, in my meditation, through my interactions in my teaching group, or through my encounters on the resort.

Friendships made at Kalani 2013

One morning during the second meditation, clarity slowly streamed down into me like lava flowing from a volcano. I pondered over the notion that we are all connected, that we all have similar stories and that we should be who we are without fear.  The meditation discussed "if you take a drop of water out of the ocean is it still the ocean or is it just a drop of water?". The reality is that we are all ONE, regardless of space.  Our experiences, though different, are at their core, the same.  These experiences unite us; they are the drops of water that tie us to the ocean.  We are connected whether we are all at Kalani taking Baron Baptiste's, Level 1 Training in Hawaii or if we are thousands of miles away from each other.

The evening exercises solidified my inquiry to the connection with others and we participated in an event that can only be described as an exorcism of my lie, which pushed me over the edge into clarity. This clearing allowed me to rebuild my foundation and soon after, my yoga practice and my interactions began to expand.  That night while leaving the session, I felt lighter; my presence was sharp and focused. The Big Island sky was perfectly clear except for the abundance of stars that shone as bright as our hearts.  It was a complementing metaphor of the deepening experience we had been through that day.

Ella, Margie, Meghan, and Cindy

The following morning, my meditations were powerful and without tears. I made major breakthroughs on my mat including camel to wheel back bends. For years, I had created a story about my back injury but somehow with my new found strength, I had the ability to create these amazing poses. In my yoga training group, I was playful, had fun with my practice teaching, and observed the voices in my head.  By programs end, I thoroughly engaged with a group of yogis that I had been resistant to, spending my last day with them on a hike to Kehena Beach aka Black Beach to baptize ourselves in the Hawaiian waters. This was the beach of our lives.  All of these yogis broke the shackles of their life-long resistance and swam, created poses, laughed and explored the present world around them.  It was true authenticity.

Margie, Ella, Cindy and Sandy

Our group headed back to the resort, shared some local Hilo Homemade Ice Cream available at Kalani and we continued to explore the resort until it was time to depart.  Nature on the resort, such as the Monkey Pod Tree and the free roaming pigs, are a microcosm of the Big Island's spiritual essence. We sat upon the tree's roots and meditated.  For me, it brought clarity and sparked a manifestation for me to fulfill the manifestation of creating this blog which I conceptualized months earlier in the 40 day program.  It also solidified new manifestations of my yoga practice that will keep me "moving forward"or in a state of  i mua (pronounced: ee moon ah) (the Hawaiian word for moving forward).

The Monkey Pod tree at Kalani

Our final task of the trip was to complete a letter of gratitude and forgiveness, reading it to the significant someone in our lives.  My letter to my son asked for forgiveness of my domineering ways over his life which I now realize, through the years, was slowly pushing him away from me. My behavior towards my son is a representation of my lie and reflects my efforts to prove something to somebody, anybody, to the point of harming my relationship with my him and to prove that I am good enough.  I realize now that I have nothing to prove; I just am.  Reading my letter to my son allowed me to excavate a large boulder from my life so that I may continue to till the soil in preparation for planting new seeds. Each one of us has made a clearing for more possibilities. We now have the power to hold the space for what is. I mua (ee mooh ah).

Life is short, so get messy!