So I am Going to Be 40...Now What? (Part Deux)

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the esssential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

If you read Part One of this story, you are well aware of my decision to celebrate my 40^th Birthday at a Vipassana Center.  If you haven’t read it yet, here is your chance to go back and read it now…

Part Deux:

My experience at the Vipassana Center was life changing and while I would love to share each moment of everyday of my experience with you, I am choosing not to. Instead, my 40^th Birthday gift to you is a broad overview of what I experienced in hopes that one day you will attend any of the worldwide Vipassana Centers and experience it on your own. Besides...mediating up to 8 hours a day and having no access to a pen or paper to write my story, makes it difficult to retain every component of my experience. And, despite the program structure being the same for all the participants, it is your unique self that makes the experience. So rather than you being influenced by the specifics of my story, my hope is that you attend with no expectations and embrace your own experience.

My gift to you:

·      BE PRESENT TO EVERYTHING, INCLUDING NATURE - Attending a 10-day Vipassana course allowed me to become truly present with myself. What I realized is that I am not truly present to everything in my life. Even the way I peeled an orange, was a new experience for me. And every time I peeled an orange, I was in creation to peel it in a new way! Since I had no communication (verbal or physical) with other human beings, I was in constant observation of how the course landed on my breath, body and mind. Furthermore, when I was not meditating I was immersed in the landscape of my mind and my surroundings, completely observant to my thoughts and nature.

The ability to take 10 days for myself... to shut down technology and turn off the world... to be with nature at its finest moment of seasonal change, was enlightening. During my Vipassana, I spent my free moments exploring nature. I witnesses bees and chipmunks working diligently in preparation for the winter, all as the trees shed their pine needles, pine cones, or maple leaves. I saw truth and answers about life in the nature that surrounded me. It is truly all there in front of us, we just have to be present to it in order to see. 

·      GET UNCOMFORTABLE and OBSERVE THE TRUTH WITHIN YOU – Rather than attending the closest Vipassana Center in Boston, MA, I traveled 2 hours outside of Montreal, Canada to the Quebec Vipassana Center, where the course was taught in both English and French. While I felt uncomfortable, my three years of high school French was quickly resurrected. Sitting in meditation postures consistently was uncomfortable in the beginning but what I learned is that sitting through the discomfort, observing it and focusing on breath, the discomfort soon passed. The learning experience came in each subtle moment of physical or mental discomfort, where I witnessed the truth on my meditation mat or simply sitting with nature. Finding some of these small truths become a composite of the our larger Noble Truth. All we have to do is the work! 

·      IMPERMANENCE, METTA, and TRUE LOVE – The Vipassana training used the notion of impermanence as a central tool to navigate through discomfort. It was this notion of impermanence that I struggled with the most. For me it was not in alignment with my heart. By day 2 of my Vipassana experience, I missed my true love. In the past, we had spent time apart but never where we could not communicate with one another. It took me days... but soon I overcame this notion that even though I couldn’t communicate with him, I could look up to the stars, send my energy out into the world, and know that he was receiving me thousands of miles away. And he was. I imagine it as powerful as a Greek Tragedy, where Penelope was longing for Odysseus who had been on a 10 year journey home, and she not knowing if he was dead or alive. So, the pain passed and LOVE also became impermanent. It was metta that took it's place. Metta is "a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship sympathy and love" which grows exponentially for everyone and everything in the world. It is "universal, unselfish and all embracing love." With metta, love need not contain misery. 

·      NON-ATTACHMENT – The Vipassana training completely detaches you from everything you know about life in an instant. Being detached from the comfort of communication, people, food, space, and the way in which you spend your day is a challenge. And what I struggled with was the uncomfortable feeling of the unpredictability of the whole experience, even though I had always thought myself to be spontaneous. There were moments I doubted myself and wanted to leave, and there were moments when I sobbed uncontrollably. But by the time I was ready to go home, I saw myself attached to the perfection of non-communication and the fear of missing the Vipassana Center. How quickly in 10 days I fell into the trap of attachment to a new place. And though I believed in an instant it was gone, it exists in my continued practice of meditation, my morning walks with nature, and my nighttime viewings of the earth's starry sky. 

·    

  NON-JUDGEMENT and STAY OPEN FOR NEW FRIENDSHIPS - When the silence sets in, the mind wanders. Yes it wanders during meditation, but when you are not able to communicate during the 8 hours of the day that you are not meditating, you are conscious to everything around you, including human beings. And it's easy to judge people by the way they look, how they act, and the things they do, without ever say a word to them or even looking them in the eyes! During my experience, I observed myself judging people just based off of assumptions of how they looked, their actions and/or facial expressions. But as soon as I became aware that I was doing this, I stopped judging them and just observed them. I observed what they were doing, how they were preparing their food, the way they meditated, the nature they were uncovering and how they were ritualizing their experience. I found compassion for them, that they were experiencing similar feelings that I was experiencing and soon we were one. Once we finished the meditation, we had a 1/2 day to communicate with other attendees. I engaged those I had judged or observed. What I discovered was those I had judged were some of the warmest and friendliest people. And those I observed I had learned so much from just by witnessing their actions. We were all artists, in creation with what we had been given. When we communicated our findings to one another, we realized that each brought a different perspective to the same experience and we had been observing and supporting one another through our energies all along. We were a collective body of interconnected energies... we just didn't know it at the time. And collectively, we had a goldmine of experiences and friendships!

·      TRUST LIFE - Sometimes you just have to trust life and let things happen as they are supposed to. This was a big lesson for me on my trip. The lesson commenced 2 days before I was set to depart when I had a last minute cancellation for my ride to the center... a location 2 1/2 hours outside of Montreal and difficult to get to unless you have a car. When I first discovered I was without a ride, I started to panic. But just by putting myself out there, in an instant, I received an email from a fellow Vipassana attendee and had a ride. Not only did I get a ride, but through that experience, I obtained a life long friend and a new way of living. We shared an amazing car ride, talked about our life's experiences and took a mini-tour of Montreal. Our discussion ended talking about how we need to just let go of things. And poignantly, he ended our journey at the airport with a notion of how we were suppose to be after Vipassana.... using a French phrase "Faire confiance a la via"... To Trust Life! And so I was off... to spend the next 40 years of my life living from this place of trust. 

So, what does this all mean in light of being 40. Vipassana offers the freedom to go deeper and examine ourselves with clarity... with an intention of coming closer to our Noble Truth. It is part of the journey towards enlightenment. All you have to do, is the work. 

Life is short, so get messy!

If you are interested in participating in a Vipassana visit their website at http://www.dhamma.org. 

So I Am Going to Be 40...Now What? (Part One)

So I am going to be 40... Now What?

With a few months to spare, I went on my quest to figure it all out.
Right away I assumed I needed to celebrate 40 in a BIG way to make it more meaningful.

So I contemplated jumping out of an airplane.
But as I got closer to my birthday, I realized that wasn't what I truly wanted nor what I needed. I have done excitement and adventure my entire life. Besides, skydiving was something that my husband has longed to do...someone else's 40th Birthday celebration.

So I contemplated climbing Machu Picchu.
But as I got closer to my birthday, I realized that it wasn't what I really wanted. It was actually something my friend had experienced recently, perhaps her own 40th Birthday celebration. That mountain is BIG...but is BIGGER really better?

I reflected.

What I discovered was that I needed to see things as they really are.

I need to be in inquiry with myself, to get really clear on who I am and how I wish to see myself in the next part of my life. Somehow, I need to take the lessons that I have learned from the past to transform myself into the person I want to be moving forward.

Then I ran into a friend of mine who told me about Vipassana.
This spiritual escape would give me the opportunity to pause, be introspective and see the true person I am to be.

Vipassana was on par with lessons I have learned about myself like needing the things I am most resistant to. Meditation is one of those things I believe people resist most because it is often to painful to look at the true self absent all of the fillers of life: technology, aesthetics, descriptors, labels, etc.

But if I don't take this time now.... then when? When will I take the time to step back and examine the life I have written for myself thus far? For if I am to live the story I want to read, I need to know what my story is still missing.

It's time...to take the leap... to climb the mountain... to sit with myself.

So... today I am traveling, 17 days before my 40th Birthday, to partake in a silent meditation.
To look inward so I can project myself outward in a meaningful way for the next 40 years!

I will hold space for myself and honor stillness in my life for an extended period of time with no expectations other than to see clearly.

I will remove myself from my current life for 10 days, detachment from the world as I know it; away from technology, family and friends, my asana practice... all to gather in a spiritual place, using an ancient Indian meditation technique, joining with others who seek the same inner peace.

To quote an unknown blogger:

"It's time to let go and start over. It's time to move on from the past to the future. It's time, not to forget memories, but to learn from them and become someone new. It's time to take a new path, to walk alone and to find ourselves to know where we have to go. It's time to begin again, not by changing who we are, nor by forgetting who we used to be, but by combining both of these people and transforming into who we were always meant to be". -  i'mclosertotheedge

See you in the second part of my life.

SILENCE...

Life is short, so get messy!

If you are interested in participating in a Vipassana, seek out available programs worldwide at http://www.dhamma.org. To read more about my Vipassana adventure, read "So I Am 40...Now What? (Part Deux)" when I return.

Smile at the Idiosyncrasies of Life

My mother’s chemotherapy session was delayed almost 2 hours.

They lost her medical file, that led to a series of mishaps including having to go back to the reception desk (do not pass go, do not collect $200) and then finally to get blood work. When we started off this morning, we arrived early in an attempt to create a flow for the day. But the day resisted. 

For any normal person, this inconvenience would be seen as irreconcilable but for a person battling cancer, these small bumps become minuscule comparatively to the big picture. Soon I realized that this would become a moment to observe and learn from my mother.   

In what my mother described as "The Idiosyncrasies of Cancer", she noted that this day is just one example of the bumps she has met along the way on her journey.

An idiosyncrasy is described as "a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group".  Unfortunately, cancer is filled with idiosyncrasies. 

In everyday life, an example of an idiosyncrasy is people not changing the toilet paper roll when its finished. The likelihood is that at some point someone will need it to wipe themselves but for some reason, the person who took the last sheet of paper fails to replenish the roll. In my house, if this happens, you are left in a state of dependency of having someone get you a new roll while you are in the act of going to the bathroom or if new rolls are out of reach and there is no one around, you are forced with a different kind of challenge (LOL). 

While we were in the "slaughter house", the name which my mother often gives to the cancer clinic, she went on to describe "The Idiosyncrasies of Cancer". She stated she has faced many of these idiosyncrasies that "they" neglect to tell you before you start on journey.

• The pricking of the finger to get blood. Each visit they squeeze and scrap the blood into a container.
• The coldness of a hard X-Ray machine slab lying on your back. 
• The white lies they tell you: "This is gonna be just a pinch" or "We're getting you a room now"... 3 hours later...

While reflecting on some of these experiences with my mother, I found comfort in her grace and humor as she accepts all of the idiosyncrasies with a SMILE, finding joy in each moment. It got me thinking about everyday idiosyncrasies and how I don't always handle them with such grace. Why couldn't I just offer them a SMILE and be more like my mother.  

So, in the spirit of my mother, here is a list of 10 idiosyncrasies in my everyday life that I will attempt to SMILE at moving forward:

1. My husband spending hours in the home improvement store, watching Holmes on Homes and in perpetual production mode on the house. SMILE. For he saves thousands in home improvement costs. 
2. My son telling me something at the last minute, which always costs me money. SMILE. For at least we are present in each others lives.
3. My dog laying on my couch and covering it in hair. SMILE. For he only thinks he's human and loves you infinite.
4. My cat scratching at my bedroom door obnoxiously waking me up to get in at any time of the night. SMILE. For she thinks she's more human than the dog and while she may not love me infinite, she loves my husband and son infinite. 
5. The laughter of a colleague who's voice can be heard throughout the office. SMILE. For that laughter brings joy into the workplace.
6. People actively engaged in texting while walking. SMILE. For they are connecting with someone beyond themselves. 
7. Pushy commuters or tourists boarding, transiting, or disembarking the Staten Island Ferry. SMILE. For they are rushing to get home to or heighten the experience with their loved ones. 
8. Youth who are idle in their lives. SMILE. And be an adult who can lead them to their greatness.
9. People who complain. SMILE. For silence and non-reaction to their complaints resonates more than a response.
10. People who are not present. SMILE. For they still have some work to do. Be an example for them. 

When we start to look at idiosyncrasies in our life with a SMILE, we make space for another. Suddenly, we are coming from a place of LOVE and the resentment towards life's idiosyncrasies dissolve.

So, accept the idiosyncrasies in your life. Acknowledge when bumps show up on your journey. See the road for what it is beyond yourself. Find the connection....... and SMILE! 

Life is short, so get messy!

Letting Go of What We Are Not

"The instant a fish accepts that they will never have arms,

they grow fins." - The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo

There are instances in our lives when we try hard to be the person we think we are supposed to BE.

Perhaps we are trying to BE something for someone else. To have others accept us. To have others love us. We anticipate that the acceptance or love will come in a particular form. So we imagine that one day others will accept us or love us in the way we envision them doing so. We strive with extraordinary effort to get others to reciprocate to us that which we have given to them.

When we put all this energy out and get nothing in return, we are surprised. We get angry. We take it personal. We demand reciprocity.

What I have come to realize is that we have no right to put all our energy out there in an effort to obtain someones acceptance and love and get upset when we get nothing in return. We cannot get angry or judgmental as to why there was no love in return. We must just accept what is.

For me, the drive to obtain someones love is part of the "lie" that I have been living for years that somehow I am not good enough. Why else would a person continually strive for someone's affection for years without ever getting even a glimmer of affection in return?

At what point do we decide to surrender to the notion that things are the way they are?
How do we come to accept what is?

When we accept that which is, we can let go of the fantasy of what is "supposed" to BE.

"Discernment is a process of letting go of what we are not." - Father Thomas Keating

In one of my current relationships, I have spent an extraordinary amount of energy to show love and support, for which I have received very little in return. I was not expecting some sort of monetary compensation rather I was looking for some emotional connection: a phone call, a kind word, acknowledgement when times were tough for me. Heck, some quasi-semblance of a relationship!

After years of giving, I finally came to the awareness that I had expended all of my effort for this person and received nothing emotionally in return. It took a wise woman who coached me and offered that I set boundaries in this relationship.  So I did. It was then that I came to the realization that my relationship was no where near what I thought it should BE and that I should stop creating the fantasy that if I continue to try, that one day it will BE.

My boundaries were set. I stopped showing up unless asked. I stopped being available at every moment for the sheer possibility that I might be needed.

And then I saw the light.

I realized that the abundance of energy I had put into this relationship was now available for me and for others who were truly present with me. Suddenly I had more space in my life for greatness. I had more time to bring compassion to those who were ready to accept it from me!

Discernment set in.

I accepted myself for who I was and who I was not.
I accepted my relationship for what it was and what it was not.

"And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in full knowledge and all discernment."  - Philippians 1:9

In that moment, I realized that like the fish, I had no legs and I grew fins.

I could not be the person that was loved and accepted in that relationship no more than the fish could grow legs and walk underwater.

I could not be all things for everyone.

All I could BE was me.
All I could do was accept and love myself and those around me, even if they didn't reciprocate that same acceptance and love back to me.

All I can BE is a bright, blooming flower amidst a dark, dreary world, evoking peace.
I cannot judge people for failing to live up to a societal expectation of what is.
All I can do is accept them.
All I can do is love them.
Love who I am.
Love to BE.

Life is short, so get messy!