FEAR

In the United States, death is an occurrence that is rarely discussed yet it happens everyday.  

Take these statistics into consideration: 

The world death rate is approximately 172,800 deaths per day. That is 2 deaths per second, 120 deaths per minute, and 7200 deaths per hour. In the United States there are approximately 6000 deaths every day, 1500 of which are the result of cancer.

So why is death a subject most Americans don't like to talk about?  

After my mother's diagnosis of Colon Cancer, I have witnessed FEAR as the essential cause of a variety of emotional responses to death. Whilst we pray for a miracle, the odds to beat Stage IV cancer are slim.  My response to this grave possibility is to spend as much time with her, reflecting on life.  I am proud to say that these past few weeks have been eye-opening, as everyday that I am with my mother, I learn something new about her and about myself.  

As it relates to FEAR in these life and death situations, emotional responses expose dormant traumas of our past for which our FEAR is based upon. Our personal stories (the stories we tell ourselves) drive our FEAR and set the tone for our emotional responses to that FEAR. Then, our actions coincide with those emotional responses.  Unfortunately, these actions land on other people in our relationships like giant boulders (crash!) impacting everyone around you. Now you have chaos. 

So how do you hold the emotions back before the dam breaks? Simply put, my answer is to identify your FEAR, understand your emotional response to it, acknowledge the naked reality of it and then, try another way.  

Name that FEAR

Fill in your FEAR here _____________________________

Emotional Responses to FEAR

Choose 1 of 3 Emotional Responses to FEAR that usually come up for you.
(How do you respond when you are in a stressful situation?)
____________________________________

FIGHT - You get flipping tables mad!
Associated Actions: punch, yell, scream, argue, defend, and strike

FLIGHT - "I'm outta here!"

Associated Actions: run, flee, escape, avoid, deflect, and avert

FREEZE - "I'm a myatonic goat...baahhh!"

Associated Actions:  numb, harden, and stiffen

Getting to the Truth

While reading Baron Baptiste's new book "Being of Power: The 9 Practices to Ignite an Empowered Life", chapter 7 (Embracing Naked Reality) discusses how we should not get too consumed by the stories we make up about FEAR, rather we should practice "seeing the difference between what actually is and the garbage we add to it". By getting clear on the facts of a situation and not jumping ahead to what could happen, we deviate from the stories we routinely create. 

For example:

FACT: My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

MY STORY: My dad died suddenly when I was 13. This event was traumatic, life changing and extremely painful, therefore, my mothers death will be traumatic, life changing and extremely painful. 

NAKED REALITY: My mom's illness is a new experience. While she is likely to experience some of the affects of chemotherapy, it will impact her in a unique way. While she is likely to die from this illness, the time I have with her left here on the earth is special to me and I choose to spend it getting to know her in a way that works for both of us. 

Old Habits Don't Die Hard

What I have come to realize is that while one may have made some significant progress in their response to FEAR, old habits live dormant within us and trauma awakens the beast. Take for example addressing family members in regards to my mothers care. Over the past few weeks I saw myself reverting back to my old habit of FLIGHT (avoidance) when addressing actions I was feeling.  This has been an issue for me for years. I often don’t address emotions right away because I don’t want to FIGHT so I inevitably avoid to the point where my point of view gets lost in the moment. NAKED REALITY - I have made a commitment to my mother and myself to be authentic by being who I am and providing information for the best care for my mother, even if others take it personal. It is who I am and I am coming from a place of LOVE. For years, I buried myself in so many emotions by way of FLIGHT (avoidance) that I am now committed to putting in the work and excavate my way back to my authentic self.

 Examples of my past FLIGHT (avoidance): 

1. When I was an adolescent, I ran away (a few times) avoiding my home life. (Granted running away was sometimes down the block, but you get the point.)
2. When I was 13, my dad died and I went shopping at the mall to avoid having to deal with being present at my fathers wake. (Who does that?)
3. When I was 18 and pregnant, my grandmother gave me an ultimatum.  So I left. (No regrets of who I have become but it meant years without my family.)

These old habits just don't go away. You have to work at them the moment they resurface. This is evident for me when operating in this new trauma.  Being of power is about facing FEAR with PATIENCE and making a shift to LOVE.

Love, Love, Love

"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the FEAR (of punishment) and the other by acts of LOVE.  Power based on LOVE is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from FEAR (of punishment)." - Mahatma Gandhi

Try this Recipe to Replace FEAR with LOVE

1. IDENTIFY your FEAR.
2. NOTICE your response to FEAR and the mechanism you use (i.e. fight, flight or freeze).
3. GET the facts straight surrounding your FEARful situation.
4. TELL the story that is the root of your FEAR response. 
5. REPLACE your story with the intention of LOVE - cause LOVE is all you need!

Life is short, so get messy! 

Plant the Seed of Knowledge

A good friend told me recently that when you share your knowledge with someone, even if they are resistant, you have planted a seed that one day, even if they don't see your perspective, they can recall that information and build upon it.

Here is my seed to you.

When someone you love is dying from a terminal illness, all of your emotions - good or bad - become excessively charged. Reactions to the diagnosis, behaviors and perspectives become exacerbated by the reality that your loved one will leave this earth soon.  While everyone – hospital staff, family members and friends - can provide their perspective with the best of intentions, it is ultimately up to the person who is dying to digest those facts to make one of the most important decisions in their life:

How do I want to leave this world?

There are three schools of thought in this matter, all of which are unpredictable, painful and not an easy decision to make.     

1. Go home, fulfill your dying wishes to the best of your ability, uncertain of your longevity, be surrounded by your loved ones and greet death as you are.
2. Fight the cancer with chemotherapy, to extend your life or try to save it, praying for a miracle that you will be cured, be surrounded by your loved ones and either survive or greet death as you are with the chemotherapy.
3. Seek out alternatives to fight cancer, try everything and anything possible, to push back the cancer or possibly obliterate it, to either survive or possibly greet death as you are with the alternative therapies.

The thing about life is that ever turn is a slippery slope.  We have free choice, for the most part, some of us more than others depending on our socio-economics, our access to information, etc. For me, I know which one I would choose but to each his/her own.  

Mom and Dad's Wedding Day

With life and death, faith often plays an intricate roll in this decision, even if it's stored deep beneath the surface of the situation. If we have a deep faith, perhaps a belief in resurrection, re-incarceration, whatever… we put our faith in the fact that death will land you into something new: back home with your creator, in some new form or as a scientific piece of energy someplace in the world. There will be this ending that will be painful for those who are left behind but there will be this glorious beginning of something new and beautiful.

The scientific facts are that my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer, which is inoperable. They believed it started with one tumor in the descending colon, which metastasized to the liver where she has multiple growths and is now showing up as a lesion on her hip. 

My siblings and I 

In retrospect, my mom is the type of person who has done opposite of what she has told us to do.  My sister recalls the “good ole days” when my mother used to have my sister sit at the table until she finished all of her veggies, despite the fact that my mother didn’t eat very many veggies herself.  While I had a love for all my veggies, my sister crafted a way to dispose of her greens under the table to our family dog. 

I can sit here and cast blame.  Why didn’t my mother have a healthier lifestyle? Could her other medications have caused these tumors? Why didn’t my mother get a colonoscopy?  How could her doctor not detect this early on? I can cast all the blame and give a million reasons why my mother is going to die but the reality is that none of it will change that fact.

Right now, I want to dedicate my spare time to focusing on my mom, assist in the decision that was made to do the chemotherapy and show up for our relationship in these final days. For you, all I can do is share my knowledge of how to prevent this awful disease so that hopefully someone you love will bypass the ugliness of cancer. 

Basic Facts to Counter Colon Cancer:

• The most important thing to maintain the health of your colon is the diet.
• The purpose of the colon is to process the waste and hold it until we can get to the bathroom and dispose of it.
• The colon holds our waste an average of 36 hours, leaving the cells on the colon walls vulnerable to cancer by way of direct contact to the carcinogens passing through.
• Studies suggest red meat and animal fats are prime causes of the genetic mutation of cells within the colon, along with processed foods that contain numerous unnecessary byproducts. 
• Eating fresh fruits and fresh vegetables protect us against colon cancer by diluting carcinogens and creating a bulkier waste, pushing the food out of the body quickly. 
• Living an inactive lifestyle leaves you prone to colon cancer.  Exercise assists in the processing of our food and subsequent waste through the digestive track. 

Yoga and The Colon:

Revolving Crescent Lunge aka Parivrtta Anjaneyasana

While exercise and keeping your weight down in general are good preventative measures to avoid cancer, yoga provides specific benefits to the health of your organs, specifically the colon. One of the benefits of yoga as noted in Yoga Journal include how poses with twists assist in cleansing your internal organs by enhancing digestion in what B.K.S. Iyengar describes as a “squeeze and soak” action. With the compression of the organs during these twisting yoga poses, the body naturally rinses out toxic blood, allowing fresh blood with healing elements in. This subsequently has a natural cleansing affect on the colon and other organs in the region.

Colon Cancer Screening: (as noted in the American Cancer Society Colorectal Facts and Figures 2011-2013 ) 

• 96% of colorectal cancers are from “adenocarcinomas" which a great majority of these cancers arise from what is know as “polyps”. 
• Early detection of “polyps” can be made through a “Flexible Sigmoidoscop” or a “Colonscopy”, both which can detect “polyps” and in the later, allow for the removal of the growths during the screening process. 
• Everyone should start screening by their 50^th Birthday, unless you have a family history whereby you should start screenings before 50 using the “Colonscopy” method to screen. 

Be the Teacher: 

• Plant the seed of knowledge so that all may evoke that wisdom in moments of need. 
• Share a 5 minute video with your loved ones entitled "Your Colon and You". 
• Pass along these prevention facts about colon cancer. 
• And finally, never take for granted the opportunity to be present with those you love.

Life is short, so get messy!