The Truth About Love

My husband and I

This weekend I learned that forgiveness is one of the key ingredients of a successful relationship.  

Forgiveness provides relief from the emotional baggage of the event(s) that inevitably keeps relationships stagnant and filled with resentment. Since returning from my training with Baron Baptiste, I have been in inquiry regarding the notion of forgiveness and how it allows for the possibility of a renewed vitality. What I have come to realize is that forgiveness must go hand and hand with new habit patterns. Even Baron Baptiste struggled with habitual patterns that blocked his vitality.  In an article with Origin, Baptiste tells of his struggle in his early 20s: with being a new yoga teacher, a new dad, and a new husband. He noted that no matter how much he practiced yoga – through asanas, meditations, prayer, and healthy eating - something was still missing.  It was through his forgiveness and through the forgiveness of others that he was able to clear the space and form new habit patterns.  

My gift to my husband

For me, after years of being resentful and holding onto mistakes my husband made, I finally came to a place where I truly forgave him, despite the fact that he has always forgiven me and accepted me for who I am. While I have forgiven him, the problem was, I continued to respond to him with habitual patterns that do not reflect forgiveness, rather exemplifies a hurtful past.  If I was to really commit to forgiveness, I must be impactful, create a celebration to mark a new beginning and create new behaviors that reflect true forgiveness. 

So, this weekend I created a memorable night of celebration to begin this rebirth.

Crawfish Boil from Bayou, Staten Island, NY

Months ago, I had placed a new wedding band on lay-away at Nick's Fine Jewelry on Avenue U in Brooklyn for my husband.  I finally picked it up.  I had it engraved with our names and the day we officially started dating, as a symbol of our renewed commitment. Besides, this April marks 23 years we have been together, so presenting it to my husband on a special night for him would make it more special.  Since my husband was craving crawfish for months, I took him to an excellent canjun restaurant in Staten Island, NY called Bayou, where the atmosphere, food, drinks and service was wonderful.  Luckily, crawfish is in season and he ordered a “crawfish boil” that was outrageous. After ordering our drinks, I presented the ring to my surprised husband. After our great dinner, we went to see P!nk, his favorite female artist, who performed live at the Izod Center in New Jersey.  We had an amazing time at the show! I was able to express to him that my commitment to keep moving forward in this relationship is similar to P!nk's mantra of forgiveness on her new album.

P!nk & Corey Hart at MTV VMAs 2012   

Ironically, P!nk and her husband, Corey Hart, have a similar story to ours. Over the past few years, the couple has gone back and forth trying to just accept each other, struggling with it for so long that at one point there were reports that they had officially split up. Whether they had truly split is irrelevant. Inevitably, they found a way to come to terms with some of the unfortunate events in their relationship, to forgive and move on. The result was their beautiful daughter, Willow Sage Hart, and P!nk's successful new album, "The Truth About Love". 

One song in particular expresses a poignant message that resonates with the concept of forgiveness and change of habitual patterns. "Just Give Me aReason" is a conversation between two people: one who is open to forgiveness and sees the relationship as "bent" and the other who is still listening to the voices in their head telling them that the relationship is "broken".  This song speaks to forgiveness, learning to love again, and positive messaging in the relationship, rather than living in the past.  

P!nk soaring over crowd at the Izod     

For years, I listened to the voices in my head telling me that my marriage was so far gone and that people can't change. I self-sabotaged my relationship and believed my husband couldn't change. I started to become this person I couldn't recognize, all the while, oblivious to the fact that he was coming into his greatness. While I was in a place of doubt in our relationship, my husband was always looking from a place of hope. I now know that without his perseverance and belief in us, we would not be here.

The truth about love is that it is not perfect. It takes work and commitment by both people.  If both people acknowledge the past, forgive and commit to changing behaviors, all the bends in the relationship can be straightened out over time. 

Life is short, so get messy!